I just want to fall into a deep hole and never come up for air. I took my blood test today and no baby, not even a little one. Now, they want me to do a follow-up appointment and I just want to cry my eyes out. Here, I’ve been talking to the 3 embroyos for two weeks, hoping that they were listening and now, I just feel empty.
I wonder if it’s me. Am I just not a good enough person to have a baby? Some mean, cold, heartless human being actually posted, on one of my sites where I had posted a message wondering if God wants me to be a mom or not, the following:
Can you imagine anyone being so heartless and cold to actually pray another human being does not become a mother? Right at this very moment, if I had a gun and I knew who this person was, I’d kill them — wait, no, I wouldn’t need the gun. What a horrible, horrible thing to say and yet, now I’m filled with doubt, did this nasty person’s prayers outweigh mine? Is this some minister or priest whom God thinks more of than me and so He granted his/her prayers over mine — and the prayers of my friends, family and above all, my wife?
And, just what the Hell is wrong with me that I remembered this posting today or all days? That for one second, I’m actually taking it to heart? Am I really feeling that low?
For two weeks, I have refused the thought that I’m not preggers to cross my mind. I’ve refused to listen to any negativity. So, I’m giving myself today — and maybe a part of tomorrow — to mourn the loss of those three embroyos, but come Sunday, that’s it. I’m only looking forward, not back. I’m concentrating on having a happy, healthy baby and nothing more. I am a good person and that nutcase is just that, a nutcase who should be ignored and pitied, not listened to and believed. God knows that I would make a good mother, not a perfect one, certainly not one as good as the mother of God, Mary, but I will be the best mom this world has ever seen. Maybe, He’ll bless me with a biological child and maybe, He wants me to adopt, but I’m not giving up, so person who hates, wherever and whoever you are, I ain’t broken yet — nice try.